Hello everyone,
So today i was thinking of my own experience related to putting up boundaries. This ties in with the previous post in which i touch on how important it is to put up boundaries to avoid getting drawn back into a relationship that shows no potential.
The truth of the matter is though that it is far more difficult than one can imagine. This proved to be the case for me as well. I also found myself at the final stages of making a decision on whether to continue a relationship that never really took off to begin with. I realized (far too late) that any hope of this changing in future was a pie in the sky for me. So, in the course of building up to finally telling the other person of my intention to end the relationship (yes i fell into the trap of getting reeled back into the relationship the first time) i had to contemplate whether i would be able to sustain what i was about to do - because lets face it, you can only trick your brain for so long but you can't trick your heart. So i had to convince my heart and make sure that my head bought into the fact that self-preservation is what this was all about.
So, the next time the other person called me, i graciously ignored the call. All was good and well in the land of Oz. I had finally mustered up the courage to stick to my guns and in the process regained my power. Then something happened. He phoned back two days later - something that was out of character because by now he's feeling slightly insecure about losing his grip on the power he had over me. Again, this is one of the crucial stages where sanity has to reign over emotional turbulence. In my case i once again refused to answer the call, as difficult as it was. This happened on two more occasions until i was finally ready talk to him. By then, i had purged him out of my system and could stand my ground with a clear head and sober mind. At last I put the final boundary in place and that was to tell him not to come to my place anymore. He eventually moved on after that.
So here are today's Pearls of Wisdom:
1. When you put up boundaries, KNOW why you are doing it. Be aware that its not only to avoid getting sucked back into an unfulfilled relationship, but also an indicator that you had recognized the shortcomings within the situation and have taken mature steps to save yourself from further heartache, insecurity and a lifetime of uncertainty. Good for you!
2. REMIND yourself on a daily basis why you are putting up boundaries. Its easier to put them in place than to keep them in place.
3. STICK to it. If you are going to put up boundaries, make sure that you are strong enough to see it through otherwise its a waste of time and energy not to mention the resentment you carry after you feel you've let yourself down.
And that's my input for the day. I'm sure many of you can relate to this? I would love to hear your stories and hear how you've managed to put up boundaries and whether it had worked for you.
Waiting to hear your comments.
Peace
Liz
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Friday, 5 August 2011
Welcome
Hello and welcome to my blog. This is where i will be sharing my thoughts and experiences of life and how i have managed to grow from learning through those tough lessons and challenges that were tossed my way but shaped me into what i believe is a more evolved state of consciousness. I am certainly not a guru of any sort and do not claim to know the answers to those ferocious onslaughts of life but i wil attempt to provide some insight into those common issues related to especially relationships and other general day-to-day issues that runs through all of our lives. My journey till now has certainly not been one filled with roses. For some unexplained reason only known to the universe, it feels like i have just chosen a very difficult path. I say this at the risk of sounding very negative but the reality is that i have had my fair share of challenges and difficulties that came unannounced my way. I hope that this forum will open up discussions around how some of you have journeyed through difficult times wheathering those storms that popped up out of the blue and how you managed to beat the odds in the midst of the most trying times. Feel free to share any advice, insight and inspiration that has helped you overcome adversity.
Now, to throw out a line and hope someone will catch it, here's the first topic up for discussion and that is sticky relationship issues. Anyone who has ever been in love but not sure where you stand with the person will agree that that is probably the most agonizing period in which everything else in your life takes a back seat. This is where the mind selectively discards of any logic and reason and starts making assumptions, judgement errors and basically short circuits the brain so that the oh so critical but distant voice in the back of our heads falls into dead silence. It creates a space for questions and over analyzing of the situation to the point where you feel you're teetering on the brink of sheer insanity! Your reality becomes warped and all that remains is the overwhelming yearning for the elusive love and affection of the other party.
Take the example of the woman who had been in a casual relationship with a guy for six months. The instant chemistry in the initial stages was a sure fire way for her to assume "something" is happening. But the beginning stages of any relationship whether its casual or permanent always but always reveals the most critical pieces of information and provides vital clues to determining where the relationship is headed...or not. This stage is almost always ignored or overlooked. In the example above, the woman assesses the situation based on mostly the positive aspects of the guy's personality but overlooks critical clues that informs her of his character and vital information about his behaviour. Now, three weeks into the situation the relationship had turned into an intimate affair. This is where crucial information is exchanged. The guy admits that he doesn't want a relationship and the woman on the other hand tells him that she's quite ready to settle down into a more serious relationship. Three months down the line the woman has typically succumbed to the fatal mistake of falling in love despite the fact that she now knew the guy was unavailable. And so begins an agonizing rollercoaster ride of hope turning into despair turning into resentment turning into hope again and finally turning into a state of emotional exhaustion where the only thing that remains to be done is to make a decision whether to remain in a constant state of denial and confusion or to let go and work through the pain of surrendering the fight for a love that has not proven to be worthy of self-sacrifice. But how does one let go of something that is the closest you'll get to a true and blissful soul connection? After all, he doesn't want to let go of me otherwise he wouldn't continue phoning me all the time? He's probably just confused and needs a bit more time to decide whether to make this relationship permanent. The reality though is that he never will and has never intended to since right from the beginning.
So in light of the above, here follows my first Pearls of Wisdom:
- Always pay very close attention to the information shared during the initial stages of a potential romance. This could save you a lot of heartache and time wasted on decoding mixed signals.
- When someone tells you that they're not ready for something more permanent, believe them for its not likely
to change soon.
- If you find yourself at the final stages of having to make a decision, but keeps on getting reeled back into the affair, make serious efforts to put up boundaries even if it means ignoring any calls or text messages from the person even if this seems like the hardest thing to do. Remember, telling the other person that you want out is not always a guarantee that they'll stay away. This is one of the most critical times as you will be very vulnerable and likely to fall pray to his advances all over again. At the end of the day it will become a fight for self-preservation vs self-sacrifice.
Well folks, i sincerely hope that this has evoked some interesting thoughts on the topic and look forward to hearing all your comments.
Peace
Liz
Now, to throw out a line and hope someone will catch it, here's the first topic up for discussion and that is sticky relationship issues. Anyone who has ever been in love but not sure where you stand with the person will agree that that is probably the most agonizing period in which everything else in your life takes a back seat. This is where the mind selectively discards of any logic and reason and starts making assumptions, judgement errors and basically short circuits the brain so that the oh so critical but distant voice in the back of our heads falls into dead silence. It creates a space for questions and over analyzing of the situation to the point where you feel you're teetering on the brink of sheer insanity! Your reality becomes warped and all that remains is the overwhelming yearning for the elusive love and affection of the other party.
Take the example of the woman who had been in a casual relationship with a guy for six months. The instant chemistry in the initial stages was a sure fire way for her to assume "something" is happening. But the beginning stages of any relationship whether its casual or permanent always but always reveals the most critical pieces of information and provides vital clues to determining where the relationship is headed...or not. This stage is almost always ignored or overlooked. In the example above, the woman assesses the situation based on mostly the positive aspects of the guy's personality but overlooks critical clues that informs her of his character and vital information about his behaviour. Now, three weeks into the situation the relationship had turned into an intimate affair. This is where crucial information is exchanged. The guy admits that he doesn't want a relationship and the woman on the other hand tells him that she's quite ready to settle down into a more serious relationship. Three months down the line the woman has typically succumbed to the fatal mistake of falling in love despite the fact that she now knew the guy was unavailable. And so begins an agonizing rollercoaster ride of hope turning into despair turning into resentment turning into hope again and finally turning into a state of emotional exhaustion where the only thing that remains to be done is to make a decision whether to remain in a constant state of denial and confusion or to let go and work through the pain of surrendering the fight for a love that has not proven to be worthy of self-sacrifice. But how does one let go of something that is the closest you'll get to a true and blissful soul connection? After all, he doesn't want to let go of me otherwise he wouldn't continue phoning me all the time? He's probably just confused and needs a bit more time to decide whether to make this relationship permanent. The reality though is that he never will and has never intended to since right from the beginning.
So in light of the above, here follows my first Pearls of Wisdom:
- Always pay very close attention to the information shared during the initial stages of a potential romance. This could save you a lot of heartache and time wasted on decoding mixed signals.
- When someone tells you that they're not ready for something more permanent, believe them for its not likely
to change soon.
- If you find yourself at the final stages of having to make a decision, but keeps on getting reeled back into the affair, make serious efforts to put up boundaries even if it means ignoring any calls or text messages from the person even if this seems like the hardest thing to do. Remember, telling the other person that you want out is not always a guarantee that they'll stay away. This is one of the most critical times as you will be very vulnerable and likely to fall pray to his advances all over again. At the end of the day it will become a fight for self-preservation vs self-sacrifice.
Well folks, i sincerely hope that this has evoked some interesting thoughts on the topic and look forward to hearing all your comments.
Peace
Liz
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